Machine Earning

Machine Burning

2010-02-03T02:51:00.001-05:00

Recycling hippies, eat this.

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4586903n

Tactful recruiter

2009-11-30T17:11:00.007-05:00

I get an email from one of my college professors

Hi [NB],

One of my linkedin connections saw your profile and is interested in potentially hiring you. Can I send her your gmail co-ordinates? Her name is Rosie Recruiter and she is smart and a good person.

Best,
Professor Paul

which upon my agreement results in a

Hello [NB],

I hope that I find you well. Professor Paul passed me your contact information because you fit a profile for a few jobs that we have in the pipeline. I was wondering if I could get an updated resume from you and if you would have time to chat about your future and what you hope to do.

All the Best,
Rosie Recruiter

How tactful is that? Here is what was missing

random phonecalls to work
spam emails on Facebook or LinkedIn
awkward personal emails

Scripted Management

2008-06-10T14:27:00.003-05:00

For a long time, all of us in the business community or perhaps touched and otherwise inappropriately handled by it, have known that managerial and worker relations have never found a balance. They probably never will. I believe the problem has to do with those high rollers distancing themselves too much from their flock, making decisions without quite knowing the impact of their actions. The employees don't like being mistreated and higher-ups don't want to hear about it, which means everyone suffers. Well I propose a solution to this problem which will sever this social engagement: the employee API.

If you thought looking at Gantt charts and budgets was cool, wait till you have work flow accomplished just with the work() method, allowing you to supply an optional time parameter expressed as work( hour hours_ ) for the day to day as well as work( day day_start, day day_end ) to express continuous ranges of days when those deadlines have to be met. Having problems with workers? Let's turn to nature for the solution. Did you know that male worker bees die after a run of a few short days? I don't know if it's because they didn't work hard for the honey, but it's quite possible that they were just 'replaced' for efficiency reasons. You can do the same; ever hear of pop() and push()? Yep, it's that easy. Your HR staff has a Queue of applicants waiting to get hired, since the economy 's rather down.

I truly didn't have the well-being of too many people in mind. Too many is too many. But after a good day's work, you do deserve some respect for writing and running your worker script. The fact that you don't have to know anyone's name in our method doesn't stop the work force from being forced to work up a party for you. Everyone is assigned a number from 0 to num_employees -1 and the range-based get_appreciation( employee 0, employee num_employees -1 ) will get everyone to celebrate on your behalf.

You may be wondering how all this works? Why would "you are allowed to use the bathroom today" incentive plans inspire those minds you ask? Well love is a complicated problem, but if you've seen the movie Perfume, you'll understand how it's done.

Chart Theory : Hours Past Midnight 2

2007-06-21T04:35:00.001-05:00

due to popular demand, I've included a vertical scale.

ComputerWorld : Will making computer science more fun attract college students?

2007-06-15T13:35:00.000-05:00

ComputerWorld writes about efforts to study if [Will] Making computer science more fun attract college students?

To combat falling enrollment rates and shortage of CS talent in the industry, the researchers at Washington State University, Vancouver hope to increase enrollment by offering courses where the student make computer games. Under an NSF grant they came up with a Java game engine (labeled JIG, short for Java Instructional Gaming Project)

To quote the article, "... students create two-dimensional arcade-style games from the ground up, including graphics, networking and even some artificial intelligence features -- all in the name of learning about key computer science concepts ..." The article goes on to further postulate about why incoming students are not interested in Computer Science : "... many incoming students read news headlines about the effect of offshoring as IT jobs move to India, China or elsewhere, and they see an IT career as a bad move."

While the effort is admirable, it roughly equates to Teaching Computer Science with Flash.

It is a marketing problem, and there's really no need to 'dilute the brand' here. The IT industry problem isn't a shortage of people who wish to design 2D computer games. Refer to T. Friedman's book 'The World is Flat' for a further discussion of exactly why what proposed here is a bad idea. I hate to name drop, and I did not like the book very much, but I think that was one of his few valid and not outdated points. We don't have a shortage of C++/Java programmer, we need Masters and PhD students to fuel the Institutional Research machine with good ideas and new projects.

What is presented here is more of a standard pitch for a Digital Media program. CS is a long, hard, and treacherous path. The turn over rate is pretty high, and JIG Project isn't exactly targeted at the core audience. I don't think the promise of a class where you can build side-scrollers will really fool anybody into majoring in computer science. How would being able to write Java games prevent you from outsourcing. If so, this program sets it self up for a high turn over rate. Being promised computer games and getting 'stuck' in discrete math and algorithms will have applicants reconsidering and joining the Business Technology Management flock.

I'm not a marketing expert by any means (I took 1 summer class), but it seems that they need to find better things to market. Maybe graduate placement statistics ? Research opportunities ?

I think this is more of a PR issue that needs to be dealt with. 'Outsourcing to India' is freely thrown around to scare people. The ComputerWorld article mentions it as a deterrent for students enrolling into CS programs. My opinion is that most people (outside the industry), especially incoming college freshmen, are pretty ignorant about it. Most people I know graduting college with a CS degree had multiple job offers and were able to pick an employer on their own terms, or at least had the option to.

What's ironic is that it does not serve as a deterrent to students aiming to enter the Finance industry by majoring in economics, finance, accounting, etc. For some reason, there is no publicity about financial institutions off-shoring business functions. However, based on (my) conversation with friends in the industry, they claim that their jobs will be extinct in 2-3 years due to 1) machines that can do their jobs faster and better 2) para-bankers in India who can do their jobs faster and better. Why are there no articles on BusinessWeek citing fears of this in incoming freshmen at Pace, Baruch, NYU, Bing, and SUNYs ? Where are all the studies that report freshmen's fears of working in middle office?

Employee Stock Purchase Plan, a good idea ?

2007-06-14T18:34:00.000-05:00

Most publicly traded companies offer some form of Stock purchase plan. You can get the shares of your own company at a discount price. There are usually some rules about 1) amount you are able to purchase and 2) not being able to dump the stock right away.

Companies tout this as a way of employees building equity in the company. The 'grunts' become not only workers, but 'shareholders' as well, and some how strive to perform better to avoid losing money. I will not speculate on the correctness of these assumptions, but:

To me investing into the stock of where you work seems like a bad idea:

If the company does well, you'll get a piece of it anyway through bonuses, perks, etc
If the company does poorly, you don't get a bonus and you lose money to the company. You also realize you gave back a portion of your paycheck back to your employer for no reason.

Unless you are hedging you employee stock purchase with the purchase of a competitor/different sector/etc, it doesn't seem like a safe investment.

Countdown to unemployment

2007-05-23T08:41:00.001-05:00

Employment is transient, fortunately. This being my last day, I decided to record some privacy preserving statistics:

Email:
Number of email messages left in my mailbox on my last day: 28
Number of unique authors among those messages: ~10
Number of human authors among the former: ~5
Number of people I know among the human authors: 3
Number of messages that affect me and my work directly: 0

My Documents Folder:
Number of documents in My Documents: 40
Number of documents that I am deleting because they do not pertain to work: 28
Documents pertaining to research: 20

Software:
Additional compilers/interpreters/frameworks not provided by the company: 4
Specifically: Perl, Python, recent version of JDK, .NET
Development environments: 2(Eclipse, SciTE)
Browsers: 1 (Firefox!)
Miscellaneous unauthorize software: putty, python gmail lib, doxygen, graphviz

Office supplies:
Sticky notes(not postits!): 7 blocks, small
Pencils: 2
Pens: 3
Company issued notebooks and scratchpads: 2
Personal notebooks: 1
Thumb tacs: 15
Papers attached to cubicle wall: 7
Boxes of Harrod's tea attached to cubicle wall: 1
Starbucks frappaccino labels glued to computer: 1

Pantry:
Forks, spoons, and plastic knives: MANY
Sugar packets: 4(at 9AM, 0 by 9PM)
Bags of Ahmad tea: 1....last one
Cups: 1
Napkins: more then cutlery

So what do these unimpressive statsitcs show? Nothing. I'm just happy to be done.

PS:
This might be neurotic but I'm very pleased that I managed to finish my tea exactly on the day that I finish working.

Split-Screen Tech Doubles Computer Use

2007-05-12T17:47:00.000-05:00

Split-Screen Tech Doubles Computer Use discusses how researchers in Microsoft 'are developing software that splits a computer screen in two halves, each side with its own operating system, desktop, applications, cursor and keyboard.'

1. hardware is cheap. it's simpler to buy more than force people to share screens.
2. I think these researchers didn't understand the point of the extreme programming workflow.
3. They claim to have a minimal cost, no hardware required, but cubicles are not set up for 2 people. This sounds like its enabling something horrible.

This being said, it think its a wonderful idea for multi player gaming.
What better way to put the 24inch monitor to use? You can even ghost for yourself.

As an added bonus, the article comes with the following picture and its caption:

'Computers to Work Harder
Software programmers at work at INFOSYS, one of the best known Indian software companies, in Bangalore, India. Workers at Indian companies must often share computers. But a new technology that divides a computer's screen could stretch the technology's use.'

How terrible is that ?
Why would you publicize being the IT equivalent of a sweatshop?

caption should read: look at the size of those .....

Chart Theory : Hours past midnight

2007-05-03T10:20:00.000-05:00

Career Opportunities

2007-05-02T14:39:00.000-05:00

The following email has graced my mailbox.

New Jersey is just such a wonderful marketing tool. Also kudos on the wording.
I guess I can appreciate the honesty. Most companies will jerk you around before admitting they're sticking you in into Q&A in Hoboken.

Dear Naive Baysian,

Following is a description for career opportunities at [Mid Cap]

OPEN HOUSE AT [Mid Cap]

Open House for Wall Street IT Career Opportunities in New Jersey

[Mid Cap] is currently seeking individuals for the following positions:

Java Developers, C# Developers, Business Analysts, Integration and Development Support, QA, Oracle DB Architects, Data Modelers, Information Architects

(Previous financial services experience preferred but not required.)

Chart Theory : Hours to an Exam

2007-05-01T23:19:00.000-05:00

Chart Theory : Hours To An Exam

Day::Made

2007-04-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

This made my day.

Analyst: that guys weird
Analyst: the one walking past u
Analyst: right now
Analyst: right now
Analyst: that guy
Analyst: he's weird
Machine|Earner: just cuz he's walking back and forth
Machine|Earner: or you actually know him?
Analyst: hes on the CTG team
Analyst: what does that mean?
Analyst: nobody actually knows
Machine|Earner: HA
Analyst: they improve 'efficiency'
Analyst: for testing
Analyst: do they actually test?
Analyst: which would be helpful?
Analyst: no
Analyst: do they do analysis of the reports after testing? not at all
Analyst: they look at everything, compile lists and tell us how to test better
Analyst: completely useless
Machine|Earner: this is totally a Dilbert/Office Space comment
Analyst: I should send him a memo
Machine|Earner: to file his TPS reports
Analyst: to include a cover letter on his pointless emails

Worth sharing.

Advice that made me feel warm and/or fuzzy

2007-04-08T09:20:00.000-05:00

Reading the news this morning, I came across this
The message conveyed by this article is aligned with ME in a very perceivable fashion.

The only point of disagreement is the specificity of the advice given. Although in the context of programming today, everything stated in this article is valid, who knows where technology will head in the near future. I would advise programmers, more generally, to understand vast amounts of theory involved in whatever it is they're doing.

Aside from that, I just wanted to take advantage of an opportunity to post something that made me feel really nice. It is good to see that there are people out there, successful people, who arrive at the same conclusions as I do.

Jott.com : great in theory, useless in reality

2007-04-08T02:31:00.000-05:00

Maybe the idea behind Jott.com cool, and they're trying really really hard to make this a super-useful product, but there is a very low cieling on the possibilities here.

Personally, I don't think there is any NLP involved in this application. They simply have 100 Indian workers at $5/day translating a bunch of 30 second voice clips. Maybe they've in-sourced this to housewives in Wisconsin.

Pragmatically, here is why this is a useless idea:

Why would I want to record a message to have it emailed to myself and other people when I can just send a text message from my cellphone
Besides most 'professionals' who Jott.com claims make use of this service have crackberries to do this for them, without the need to call somewhere.
It takes a long time for this thing to translate
It's not accurate unless you speak with perfect diction
If the translation is wrong, you wouldn't remember

I recorded something and it came up inaudible - now what ?

My cellphone has a voice recorder also

The idea behind Jott is you jott down notes by calling their 877 number, leaving voicemail and it magically appears translated into English in your mailbox and on their website.

Lets review the Web2.0-ness of this site

clever idea with neat implementation
mellow colored, round shaped interface
catchy name thats a pun on something functional
random mashup feature

import contact from your email accounts

community/groups for content
slogan

Think it. Jott it. Do it.

optimisitc goals and promisies

greatest productivity tool on the internet

flash animations to help you figure stuff out
flash demo
server side NLP with an AJAX-powered frontend

Google Talks dirty to ME

2007-04-06T13:27:00.000-05:00

ME went to go check out the Google Speaker series talk : "Watts, Faults, and Other Fascinating Dirty Words Computer Architects Can No Longer Afford to Ignore" by Luiz Barroso. see here

Essentially they're flipping out about server farm energy consumption. A recent article said that data centers use something like ~15% of the total energy (kW) in the US. A more in depth survey by Berkley revealed that its more like 1.2% for 2005 and growing (according to REDHERRING)

Luiz Barroso at Google figured out that they're one of the biggest users/owners of server farms and decided to do something about it. So far, they've conducted a series of measurements on server power consumption efficiency and concluded they're not doing too well. However, Google is by no means concerned with the total amount of consumption. They are concerned about cost.

Prof. Barroso showed alarming economic projections. Namely the cost of computing being dominated by the cost energy as apposed to hardware. Naturally, the arguments he made with respect to this claim were fairly simplistic. This is ok since this was only part of the motivation for his research.

The two main points made by the speaker were as follows:

Current Hardware behaves in ways that are extremely energy inefficient. An idle computer consumes about 40% of its peak power. Combined with the fact that most computers spend the majority of their time under less then full load, this makes for very wasteful systems
On the other hand, given the knowledge of such usage patterns it should be possible to optimize energy usage by "overbooking" data centers. Naturally, Luiz Barroso advocated doing this cautiously.

Other reactions: The wine, beer, and cheese were a nice touch. Also, though a window on the side we saw people moving about the building on Razor Scooters. Qualifying the Google office as the coolest corporate building I've been to so far. The office space has the warehouse/trendy and they're a block away from Meatpacking. The speaker himself was very articulate, entertaining, and knowledgeable. I thought he survived the Q&A portion rather well.
Here are what I think are worthwhile points from the Q&A session afterwards:

This seems like a 'bandaid' solution. We need a more architectural/hardware solution to this problem.
Have they conducted experiments with server virtualization to increase loads on machines as a way to increase data center profitability? Something like VMWare or Xen. I wanted to ask this and look smart, but somebody beat me to it. This was one of the few questions that evoked a qualified response from the speaker. Prof. Barroso explained that Virtualization is nothing more then a technique for improving distributed resource utilization. This problem is fairly well studied. However, more needs to be done to fully take advantage of the energy allocated to large computing centers. The statistics presented in the talk showed that the problem was not in allocating resources when demand for them is high. The problem was in making sure that resources behaved better with respect to energy under a variety of load conditions.
Power plants have had to deal with this problem for a while. Perhaps its worthwhile to look at work produced by power engineers. Having worked in the industry, all I can say is 'duh'
Some pompous scholarly looking fella after reciting the Intro to Physics formula sheet concluded that the 2nd law of thermodynamics prevents total efficiency and this is all a matter of entropy. M|E thought this point cast a depressing light on the conversation.

Here is the multimedia portion of the post:

Luiz in action

Q&A with the other room. magic of Google Conference

The ubiquitous GS bag

a shot of the crowd. there was a lot of people

Snakes on a Search Engine

2007-04-03T19:39:00.000-05:00

We can't be insightful and funny all the time. Today we'll just try for funny.

According to this article, there was a loose python in Google NY office this weekend (coincidentally April Fool's Day).
The headline for the article should read something like:

Implementing search in python but failing to implement search for python -M|E
There are m@therf@cking snakes in my m@therf@cking search engine
Google drops web crawling, switching to web swallowing paradigm

How did this ever happen ? I can't imagine a pro-reptile corporate policy.
The practical implications of keeping a large snake at work are

no rodent problem
job security
something other than a clipboard to bring to meetings
a good way to threaten the subordinates

Given the chance, I think I'd go with a tiger.

So what do you do ?

2007-03-25T18:17:00.001-05:00

There's a reason nobody (at least in IT) gives a straight answer to that question. Answers vary in accordance with the stages of acceptance or generally to which degree they are annoyed with and embarrassed or bored by their job. The typical thing to do is try to hold onto as much dignity as possible and provide an answer that is at most an acronym : PM, DBA, QA, BA, VP. Some people answer with a snide 'I spin in my chair all day' or 'Collect office supplies' while most stick to a melancholy 'Nothing'.
Anything further than that should not be expanded upon. It's quite pathetic to try justify your own job and try to make it seem interesting/fast paced/important at the same time. It sort of like talking about your salary. The more you do it, the cheaper you seem.

Here is an example of what I mean. This is taken from a social networking site.

Employer:	Bulge Bracket Bank
Position:	Global Infrastructure: Network Services Intern
Time Period:	Summer 200x
Location:	New York, NY
Description:	IT Program • Allocated financial resources to several high level projects • Maintained budgets of on-going projects and for new projects ranging from $10,000—$3 Million • Inspected the design and implementation of Automatic Call Distributor Systems • Updated and tested a Business Resiliency Plan which is currently being used • Evaluated several network security and maintenance appliances for testing and for any potential use within the firm • Worked closely with network engineers for racking and configuring Cisco switches in data centers and communication closets

Q.E.D.

IT & Corporate Mobility

2007-03-15T18:49:00.000-05:00

This is probably one of the few posts here with a concrete, viable, and sound point. Though this may feel like a rant, I assure you there is wisdom within these lines.

I've recently had the following conversation with a friend from regarding working for a large investment bank. My friend is a CS major from CMU.

Me: Hey. I hear you're going to be working for [Bulge Bracket]
Friend: hopefully securities.I wanna move into S&T (particularly sales though)
Me:I thought I read 'technology' in your description?
Friend: yeah IT in securities. hopefully I can communicate more and won't have to code all day long. What did you do in [Bulge Bracket] ?
Me:a little bit of this a little bit of that. It depends on your group. Are you aiming for this to result in a job ?
Friend:yeah. if I get placed into technology in fixed income, I'll most likely have to sit in cubical coding all day right? what about equities? I'd like to interact w/ traders and get into sales ;)

This 'foot-in-the-door' approach is a very typical theme of conversation and ambitions among IT Analysts employed by financial institutions. The conversation above is very stereotypical example of the general rhetoric employed by the Overly Ambitious Douchebags of IT to fool themselves into thinking this is possible. It's incredibly amusing to watch these people try to convince themselves by convincing everyone else that this is a feasible goal. I've watched numerous coworkers and friends struggle with the Sisyphean task, basking in the futility of thier attempts of seizing opportunity, creating contacts, and talking about football.

Lets consider a hypothetical situation in the case of my friend. Suppose the placement process works out in her favor and she ends up in a position where is able to interact with traders, or bankers, or whatever type of financial analysts she's supporting. There are two conceivable roles in which this could happen: trading desk support as a VBA/Excel 'coder' (although this more of a middle office role) or as a Business Analyst (BA) that (in spirit) liaisons between the actual software developers and some front/middle office management that requests features. Even if my friend is very good at her job, its easy to see that there is NO added value for the company to move her from a supporting to producing role.

The point I'm making is this. It is nearly impossible to achieve horizontal movement from Technology into any form of IB/Asset Management within any financial institution. It is foolish you can assume you can do so because 1) there are a lot of people with similar aspirations 2) there is intense competition for those spots from qualified applicants 3) it does not benefit the company. If my friend chooses this goal, she will waste the next 2 - 4 years of her life, working on things of no interest to her just to attain something hasn't all to much of a clue about. The caveat here is that this only holds if you don't have family or friends (much) higher up.

There are, however, solutions to this dilemma. 1) Go for a much smaller and less prestigious financial institution. They are more disparate entry level analysts and will be willing to give you the benefit of doubt that your cognitive abilities are applicable to learning their trade. 2) Forget computer science, do well on the GMAT, and go to an Ivy B-School for Finance. That will wipe your slate clean and make you a candidate for an Associate level position. Substituting HBS for a Masters in Business Technology Management from a local university doesn't count.

I should also note that the way the market stands today, my friend's CS degree from CMU is a golden ticket in her hand to a better paid, respectable, and interesting job in the High-Tech sector. Or she can choose to move to the West Coast and work in any start up or move back to NY and work for any New Media company. In her case, the possibilities are endless.

Preying on the weak

2007-03-14T15:47:00.000-05:00

This isn't exactly a security blog, unlike these guys, but I think this is a new low. Praying on the weak. I don't think people who use Monster.com are that naive, but I guess the phishers are counting on desperation. Also, why can't these guys ever learn English?

ME is going to jump on the 'naming-common-things' bandwagon and coin a term for this: desperation + phishing = dishing

More facets of Brooklyn corporate life

2007-03-14T00:16:00.000-05:00

I continued my stroll through MetroTech today. Here are some more unique aspects of working a corporate job in Downtown Brooklyn. I think we're going to do a positive piece soon. For now, enjoy laughing at everyone in exile. Hey, could have been worse. This could have been Jersey.

Working for John Gotti's kids

Catch the new series on VH1 : Coding Up Gotti

Selling Drugs

Your manager makes some extra income by `slingin cane` during
lunch hour to afford his country club membership. In actuality, he's
needs the money to buy mana points for World of Warcraft

Bonuses are given out as Rims

Those are 22s, this must be a SVP or something.
I hear MDs get spinners.

Things corporate peons do in Brooklyn that are not acceptable in Manhattan

2007-03-12T16:40:00.000-05:00

hold hands

wear a drawstring bookbag

This isn't Junior High School, buddy. You can:

1) use a laptop bag like the rest of us

2) get a bag from work
3) pretend you went to college and use their attaché

rob delis and liquor stores during lunch break

pee on buildings

make less money than this guy

shop at The Gap

Don't worry. I didn't miss anything. There are plenty of fat asses across the East River

Overview of people in my classes

2007-03-07T21:21:00.000-05:00

This is just a general overview. Next time I am in class I will have exact classifications. I'm going to miss college.

10-hour-a-week Bliss

2007-03-01T01:23:00.000-05:00

I'm to lazy to troll slashdot for articles to repost. Which is why I've decided to repost my own articles.

Latest development on this

My employer has agreed to sponsor my thesis. I now get paid for 10-hours of thesis research a week.

Moreover, I received the following fake letter:

Dear [MACHINE|EARNER],

We at [That employer that you've been mooching off recently] have come to appreciate the tremendous impact that the research you do will have on our enterprise. We feel that providing support to your scientific endeavors will be a worthy investment.

Sincerely,
[White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Name]
[Super rich CEO, whose year end bonus would, on its own, be enough for me to never have to work again]

There are two types of people in this world

2007-02-25T04:11:00.000-05:00

I was out to dinner with a random bunch of gf's friends among who I met a 27 year old BSDesi who runs the derivatives trading desks at a well to do bank (according to the league tables). This guy seemed to be pretty made. He was going on about buying a 1500ft loft with 14foot ceilings on Broadway overlooking City Hall. BS in Math and Economics from U of Chicago. Regardless, he seemed like an friendly guy.
I asked the guy when/whether he was going 'buy side' or PE ? He answered with
'There are two types of people in this world: Those who try to look for a better place and those who try to build it around themselves. Those who look for a better place never find it'
I found this to be some profound shit.

I feel like a consultant already

2007-02-25T03:58:00.000-05:00

In response to the previous post on doing work for a previous job, I've written the following email:

Former Co-Worker:

As per our conversation on Friday 2/23 I have taken a look at the spreadsheet code to come up with some possible recommendations:

1. make sure you have enabled macros. thats covered in the ppt slides.
2. make sure to adhere to the structure given in the !README.txt file for the incoming folder. try both variations of with and without the date folders.
try to make your dir. structure look like this
...... cut&paste of doc file I've written 2 years ago ....
3. try above options with all lowercase letters
...... cut&paste of doc file I've written 2 years ago ...
4. given what you have told me regarding some environment changes in the [NAME] file tool, I cannot with any certainty give an answer without further research and a recreation of the environment you are executing this code in.

note : the password to the VBA project file is *************

Please let me know how much time I should devote to this.

Thank you
- MachineEarning

I have accomplished the following:

written a long email that nobody will hopefully want to read
did ZERO work
told people what they already know (or could have known)
semi-subtly hinted at getting paid
used big words

We need your help ! Come work for free !

2007-02-21T12:40:00.000-05:00

Today ME is all about the way of the future: multimedia.
I got the following voicemail on my home answering machine.

Hear it :

Background Story: I quit this job a year and a half ago. Back then I had two clueless Ivy League summer interns. The entire output of their summer was writing a macro to load and compare two text files from mapping and load modeling systems for a utility company. They were out of date by about 10 years. The interns were EE majors and didn't know their ass from a computer. Despite abysmal knowledge of programming, excel and the corporate systems they were hired to work with, the duo somehow managed to crank out enough code to 'massage the data' and look like they weren't reading LOTR and Narnia books for 12 weeks.
This spreadsheet is the culmination of 1) 6 month 'research project' by a union employee, the culmination of which is a promotion to a prominent/cushy management position 2) formal thesis paper (internally) published by a management associate hire (MSci in EE) from some CUNY, the culmination of which is a promotion to a prominent management postion. I think there was some award for his quality of work 3) 2 years worht of effort of several SMEs in collaborating on the paper/research/implementation 4) two Ivy League EE summer interns working on implementation full time. Sadly, these man (&woman) hours are completely wasted unless I call them back.
It appears that everybody that had their hands on the spreadsheet quit or feigns retrograde amnesia. Whoever got stuck with 'figuring it out' obviously has ZERO Excel/VBA skills (and was thus appointed). He probably can't get through some configuration options. Perhaps he's encountering some security features I've built in (for shits 'n giggles). Either case, the primary reason I left this company is so I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of bullshit, but apparently I cannot escape.
The big question is whether the person leaving me a voicemail is willing to comply with the principles set forth in the blog name. It seems the 'machine' constraint will be satisfied, but the 'earning' paradigm is still up in the air. Here are my possible case scenarios:
1. I call, its a short conversation because I don't remember anything
2. I call, its a long conversation for the same reason as above
2.5 I call, its a long conversation for the same reason as above. The guy figures out email and send me the spreadsheet. I still can't help because of external dependencies (this thing FTPs somewhere)
3. I call, its a short conversation. I agree to come in. Fix it and meet up w/ old coworkers.
4. I call, its a short conversation. I agree to come in for a fee. Fix it and meet up w/ old coworkers.
5. I call, its a short conversation. I agree to come in for a fee. Fix it and meet up w/ old coworkers. I sucessfully upsell : convert the whole thing to a DB app or a shell script.
5.5 I call, its a short conversation. I agree to come in for a fee. Fix it and meet up w/ old coworkers. I sucessfully upsell : convert the whole thing to a DB app or a shell script. Pigs fly.
6. I don't call. Everyone lives happily ever after.

I like 5 then 6, but I think 2 is very likely.
More to follow. I guess I'll call tomorrow. What would you do ? leave comments.

10-hours-a-week Blues

2007-02-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

Most people spend between 30 - 60 hours of every week at work. On the high end of this distribution lies an inevitably self destructive tendency to take your job too seriously. This might someday become the subject of another post. The subject of this post lies on the opposite end of the spectrum.

In theory, a 10 hour workweek is ideal. Such a schedule earns just enough money to pay the bills. Moreover, the thrifty consumer might actually be able to catch some thrills on a 10-hour salary.

Means and ends aside, a 10 hour workweek affords one a lifestyle of intellectual and spiritual exploration and enrichment. Not having a commitment to fake 40 hours of diligence allows for much more fulfilling reading, thinking and general grokking of things.

But what is the price that you pay for such a lavish situation? What exactly happens in those 10 hours every week that squares you with Karma, Krishna and Jesus for the heathen trespasses you commit?

The short and long answer to those questions is: NOTHING

Doing nothing is the most depressing activity imaginable. Especially when one considers the amount of effort that this requires. I guess I am not as good at it as the corporate world expects me to be. I will do my best to improve

Expedia @ Columbia Engineering Career Fair

2007-02-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

Instead of an interview, I think Expedia just added me to their 'Weekly Best Travel Deals' mailing list.

The Email:

From Expedia Recruiting (No Reply)"

Thank you for visiting with Expedia at the recent Columbia Engineering Career Fair. We enjoyed meeting with you! At this time we will not be moving forward in the process; however, we would like to keep you in mind for future opportunities. We apologize for the tardiness in this message, and hope you will consider Expedia in your future career. We’d like to invite you to visit our website at www.expediajobs.com for current and future opportunities. Please apply online for positions of interest and if there is a match, you will be contacted. Thank you again for your interest in Expedia.

Best Regards,

Expedia Recruiting

Selling the major (downriver)

2007-02-06T01:15:00.000-05:00

It seems that a lecture has not gone by without the Managment Science teacher talking about how much money we could be making with the knowledge he's bestowing upon us. There is open talk of 6 digit salaries out of college, us being highly sought out management [science] consultants, and us someday going on to do something great : making a lot of money. The flashy graphics on the on the left and top suggest that this is somehow an attainable goal, that people like to stare at pretty [old] computers with lots of numbers on the screen and there's a lot of teamwork going on. Let this not be misconstrued as positive reflection on the web [design] team, but the pictures are very suggestive.
However, sad reality remains that this is being taught to Business Technology Management majors (see InfoSys kids). This is an overestimate of all firms hiring from Poly. Consulting firms are strangely missing. But hey, being a management science analyst consultant for the New Jersey Turnpike Authority is surely just as great. Oh wait ... you need an EE or Civil degree for that. Wait, maybe its just what Lockheed Martin/Knolls was dying for ... nope. How about BAE Systems ... no, even the most inept of HR personnel will distinguish between a BTM and CS degree. Hey there's always Financial sector, but we've already discussed that. It's a guaranteed path to becoming a (2) aspiring to be a (1).

We all know there's a crisis in university computer science departments?

2007-02-05T00:59:00.000-05:00

One more brazen repost from Slashdot. This is the last one, I promise - maybe.

The death of computing

A fellow Information Technology Professional from across the pond has penned the article linked above. In the interest of preserving friendly international relations, I will adequately reply to the aforementioned work by saying:
.
.
BULLOCKS!!!

With maintaining brevity and focus in mind, I will refrain from quoting figures that directly contradict the conjectures made in the article. I will forebear. I will not critique the heinous verbal diarrhea fondue that the author dips his points in, subsequently implying that the greenish-brown substance on the outside is simply rhetoric.

Despite all that, the author had a valid point. A point that is becoming an idee fixe of this blog. There is a vast gap between the skills required by IT work, and the knowledge imparted by a Computer Science education. Most successful corporations have recognized this in their hiring practices long before the article in question was published.

Interestingly enough, this does not cause CS graduates to lose IT jobs. This fact that IT is not the best fit for someone genuinely interested in CS is not publicized by college career services offices. Colleges are interested in producing optimistic graduate hiring figures. IT jobs are great at raising starting salary statistics for colleges.

On the other hand, employers are simply looking to snag anyone competent enough to format spreadsheets. They will hire any CS graduate who does not mention WoW during the interview. They will also hire graduates with CompE, EE, MechE, CivE, ChemE, Bio, Pre-Med, Pre-Law, Mathematics, Political Science, Psychology and English degrees for the SAME EXACT POSITIONS as the CS kids.

This is in no way a crisis. The worst case scenario is that a large number of talented CS graduates will take IT jobs. This will lead to an obvious waste of talent. Fortunately, the motivated CS students will avoid getting stuck in an unrewarding, boring IT job by reading this blog. Thus, the IT jobs that this blog frees up will contribute to a booming global tech economy. Which, in turn, will give guys like

an opportunity to publish by trumpeting the death of a subject that they know nothing about.

Fwd: Capital IQ - Interns and Full-Time

2007-02-02T14:05:00.001-05:00

Doesn't it feel good to get these ?

From: Some Lady
Date: Feb 2, 2007 1:44 PM
Subject: Capital IQ - Interns and Full-Time
To: abunchofothersuckers@ivy.edu

Hello,

We're excited about what's happening at Capital IQ and are looking for the best and brightest to join our team. If you're interested in working with the fastest-growing financial services software platform and changing the way that financial professionals use technology, this is the place for you!

Before we move forward, we'd like for you to take some time and answer the four questions below:

1. Describe the last project you worked on, please include a description of the business problems your task was meant to solve and any technical or team hurdles you encountered. Also, include a description of the specific module/part of the project you wrote yourself.

2. Describe an object model you would use to control access to given functionality inside your application. The access is controlled per user. Describe how you would store and access this information in your code. Document any assumptions you make regarding environments, etc.

3. What type of team environment do you like to work in? How are you most effective?

4. What challenges you most on a day to day basis?

Thank you for your time. Our technology team will assess your questionnaire and we will get back to you soon.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.

-Lady

The LBC Drama Team

Some Lady

Capital FU, A division of Sub-Standard & Poo

69 Water Street, 69th Floor New York, NY 10041

Slashdot considers quitting...

2007-02-02T11:35:00.000-05:00

This post discusses the repercussions and procedures for quitting and getting fired.

Here's ME's contribution to the discussion:

It is the humble opinion of the author that the single best way to quit is to do all the things you've always wanted to do but didn't for fear of getting fired

Another good way to quit your job is to start blogging prolifically about everyone and everything that you encounter at work, making sure that all the names are NOT changed to protect the innocent. In fact, defame as many of the innocent as you can. It might be hard to keep this up for more than a week or two. But have patience. If you publicize your blog, you will be summarily terminated within about a month(according to my calculations)

Raw Data

2007-01-30T09:41:00.000-05:00

This blog is composed of work related stories and ramblings. The revolutionary Epiphany here is the following: Too much stuff happens at work that belongs in this blog to recount postfactum. In view of this revelation, I am starting this entry, which will grow indefinitely and contain things that I have an opportunity to record with the intent of analysing and clarifying later.

Formatting Defect: "There are lines under totals that are interfacing with the ruled lines of the report"

I burped at work today...super loud.

VP to AVP: Thanks anyway, I had to [insert menial task here] myself. All you have to do is load paper into the printer.
AVP: I'll try to figure out how to do that
VP: [ugh]

The Five+n Types Of People You Will Meet At Work v.Entry Level @ Financial Institution

2007-01-30T01:12:00.000-05:00

1. The Overambitious DoucheBag (ODB)
The ODB is the most common species inhabiting the cubicles of the Entry Level Tech Analyst land. The ODB is very easy to identify. He possesses many characteristics in common with his Ivy League IB or PE buddies, but instead of going to 'make the big deals' and 'rake in the money for the company' he goes to work to staple & collate spreadsheets and powerpoints. The ODB is easily the best dressed on the floor. If people didn't give him enough dirty looks on the first day, he would wear a suit to work or walk around in a $5 tie. Emails from the ODB tend to be VERY long and CC'd to everybody he knows (even people outside the firm). Phone conversations are longer. The ODB is well brushed up on all American sports and is very eloquently opinionated about teams, players, coaches, rulings, etc. Any sport that might fall outside of baseball, football, or basketball is either a 'personal favorite' due to college involvement or warrants itself a subject of discussion because the ODB 'is not fully in tune' with the sport but can appreciate the intensity and communicate his opinions of it nonetheless.
Finally, the most dominant trait of the ODB is the frequency with which the ODB uses cliche business terms (or the word business itself). The ODB's sole reason in accepting a job in Technology was because nothing remotely close to finance or banking would take him, marketing and consulting are for pussies and the ODB figures the 'foot-in-the-door' approach will work. The ODB spends massive amounts of company time studying business principles of the department, trying to engage other employees in discussion of the business aspects of the code they're debugging, and trying really really hard to convey to his managers that he should be involved in projects involving business, strategy, or finance.
Synergy and football aside, the ODB does not fall into the InfoSys Kid category due to lack of any familiarity with IT or CS (maybe a few Intro to Java courses) and is therefore even more useless than the InfoSys Kid. Tasks that require meticulous level of detail, any logic or background knowledge are out of the question. The job will have to be redone, at least twice, and damage to other project/people/systems will be immeasurable. The ODB is fated to spend years of futile labor in Excel, promising people that he will soon be able to write VBA code. The prospect of the ODB 'running the numbers' for them will make people queasy and short of breath, so the ODB mostly spend time making PowerPoints for the sake of making PowerPoints.

2. The InfoSystem Kid from a Tier 1 school
Characterized by a smug attitude and complete incompetence, the "InfoSystems kid from a Tier 1 school" is a boon to everyone around him. Eager to prove that her stupendously expensive, yet worthless, education has made her capable of contributing to the world around her, the "InfoSystems Kid" is easily exploited and made to perform all the useless lame tasks available to the imagination.

3. The Immigrant
The Immigrant is a common species in entry level employee zoo. He can be characterized by being of Indian or Chinese descent, horrible smell, food brought from home that looks like bull's testicles, smells like curry. However, don't let the language barrier fool you, its used to avoid any responsibility. However, the Immigrant is genuinely happy to have a job that pays 60K instead of having to sell me falafel when I'm drunk

4. The misplaced Technonerd
So you studied QBasic when you were 8, wrote HTML when you were 10, made cheesy JavaScript applets when you were 12, AOL punters by 13, and became a full fledged script-kiddie by high school. You mastered everything from Quake and C&C to Halo and WoW in your 'spare' time and can recall 3 day UT2004 binges. You invest your hard earned money into whatever NVIDIA comes up with and hate anybody using Windows ME. When you got to college, you realized that you've wasted a lot of money on things that were largely a waste of time and deleted most of your computer games (but kept the 250GB of porn). You started trying to compile something open source (Gentoo) on your spare box at home and/or started contributing to some meaningful open source projects. You probably got involved with some computer associations in school (ACM) or joined some program that makes you code or compete in some school projects : security, robotics, etc. You had that one (or two) teacher that opened your mind to exactly how much math and theory you did not know, so you chose to pursue the subject area. Perhaps towards senior year you have managed to think of something clever or contribute something meaningful to some portion of computer science. If you are lucky, you might even have a publication to your name.
The good news : You've done good. Google is hiring. According to T.Friedman, you are the solution to America's pressing problem of education and lack of innovation.
The bad news : You've taken a job at a bank. No one with any significance has any appreciation for you or the work you do. Your technical prowess will go unnoticed and unrewarded. Your job is mundane and stupefying.You will not have the time or resources to keep up with changing technology. All the math you learned will soon be forgotten. Statistically, you are bound to become the next item in this list within 10-20 years.

5. The guy who has been working at the bank for 20 years but still remains "entry-level" in every way. Things to look for: pictures of kids on the desk, newspaper clippings from the 1980s, large collections of outdated hardware, letters of demotion, group pictures of friend who moved on to better jobs.

6. The Chewbacca
After four years of watching anime, not showering more than twice a month, and sleeping though everything The Chewbacca finally picked all the Pocky sticks out of his messy hair and beard and got him an interview. The Chebacca is the second most rarest species of employees you can possible encounter. The perpetual slumber in college and lack of personal hygiene prevents this character from successfully bullshitting through interviews. Most interviewers are repelled by the god-awful stench and choose to recommend employment elsewhere.

7. The Boss's Boss's Boss's Kid/Kid's Childhood Friend
A combination of the ODB and the InfoSys Kid, this fellow knows he's got the road to middle management paved for him. This Boss's Boss's Kid comes in flavors of idiot and not. Probably the Entry Level employee with the most potential, the Boss's Boss's Kid can achieve greatness through 'opportunites' from daddy & freinds or be well secured and rewarded for mediocrity by not lifting a finger. However this kid got in, the connection he has wasn't high enough to get him into finance so technology will have to do. Unlike for the ODB, the 'foot-in-the-door' approach can work very well for this specimen. As soon as the pesky HR coordinator is out of the picture, the Boss's Boss's Kid will enjoy great horizontal and vertical mobility, high level exposure, and lack attention to his unproductive behaviors. If all else fails, the Boss's Boss's Kid has a real good chance to finally master Solitare at $50/hr.

Rejecting after accepting

2006-12-26T19:23:00.000-05:00

This blog is above all a forum for ethics and morals, so I present the following dilemma (though I suspect this will turn into more of a rant)

Everybody gets very squeamish about discussing going back on job offers. The following rhetoric is commonly used:

All HR recruiting personnel talk. News spreads fast. Everybody will know, a la Alexey Veyner.
It will tarnish your professional reputation - you are screwing yourself early on
You will end up employed as a Business Analyst
You will lose your campus recruiting privileges
You will be black-listed from working there again (or possibly anywhere else in the transitive closure set of HR personnel)
It's bad

These arguments belong in two groups: heresy and morality. While I can understand the first, I am deeply troubled by the second.
I can accept a vast communication network between HR personnel of various banks. I can accept them cross referencing applicant lists, and I can even accept the possibility of them keeping a distributed listed of applicants in violation of 'unwritten' policy (a black list) as a measure to prevent their companies from recruiting unsavory characters. My two qualms with this are :
1. This would require a level of sophistication not afforded to the HR departments (See next entry)
2. Wouldn't this actually turn into competition favorable for the recruit (me). In simple microeconomic terms, HR personnel having knowledge regarding your other offers would (literally) create more demand than supply. Recognizing that both are inelastic, maybe you'll get a better offer: their deadweight loss is your gain. Also, recruiters can attribute your other offers as certifications of their competency in 'attracting top talent', and have all the more reason to hire you. One can draw a social parallel to this paradigm.

Its really the latter morally based cause that really irks me. The more sapient of my friends have given me the 'you gatta watch for numero uno' and 'there's no love on wall street' advice after some mulling. They do not posses roman numerals in their last names, but I think they possess the necessary mentality to succeed. I'd love to see them turn into macho money grubbing, backstabbing bastards they deserve to be. But I digress. There are two (major) things wrong with applying morality to employment (vis a vis : '6. It's bad'):
1. It won't be appreciated or returned
2. It suggest a slave mentality. Corporate loyalty is the effect of successful internal propaganda. One should not adopt his own personal ethics at work until you have located them in them the 'corporate values' presentations you are subjected to on a daily basis. Until your employer adopts 'morally upright and logical decisions in dealing with personnel' or 'lots of free money for everybody' as a pillar of business principles and a deciding factor in management team strategy sessions, you should not be hasty in applying your Nicomachean ethics.

Overheard @Work

2006-12-26T16:10:00.000-05:00

Two Project managers are cleaning out some freshly available desk space. One of them begins reminiscing about the time when tasks such as dusting and throwing out garbage were her primary responsibilities:

PM1: Wow, I remember when I used to do this kind of stuff everyday.
PM2: Yea me too.
PM1: I think this is what everyone in technology starts out doing.
PM2: We are still doing it.

[EDIT]
Dramatic conclusion:
As the awkward silence that ensued stiffens the eavesdropper's necks back to the designated positions, the two project managers remove a cuckoo clock from the newly available half-cube. The bird shit had been removed from the cuckoo clock. Evidence of ardor in the removal of bird shit from that cuckoo clock lines the recycling bin adjacent to the thoroughly cleaned desk-space.

Moral of the story: There are only two reasons to work for a bank. The first and best reason is that you are a talented financier and believe in the power and profound meaning of markets. The second reason is that you don't have enough talent, skill and interest to do anything else. If you are convincing yourself that some other reason you've invented justifies accepting a job offer from a bank, you are lying to yourself. And those who tell you that their bank values and appreciates technological innovation are, to put it simply, lying egregiously.

I <3 Unemployment

2006-12-21T01:40:00.000-05:00

After working for 4.5 years I'm finally unemployed. I've started work in summer of junior year of HS and worked continuously throughout the year while pursuing a combined BS/MS in CS. I've enjoyed a moderate amount of discretionary income through out High School and College, have not had to ask my parents for money since then, and have not denied my self anything (booze, gadgets, booze, trips). My last internship expired 12/15/06 and I've been unemployed since. The transitional period has been marred by finals, papers, projects, and two days spent at the library. I suppose 5 days of work and tests isn't so bad when I've done nothing all semester.
So now that everything is (almost) done, I've become unemployed AND on academic break. This school year has been a little hectic due to something I call the 'Con Edison effect' at work. However now I've completely run out of things to stress and worry about.
If you've talked to me in the last 3 weeks, I must have mentioned how I'm looking forward to a calm life of 12 credits, last semester of college, class 2x a week, and no work. I must have explained to you how I have a long list of things I want to do, and how this is the perfect opportunity to do them, and I will not let this time go to waste. I've even contemplated filling out one of these (43things.com) but I doubt that going to happen.
This a multi-part entry on how much I accomplish during unemployment.

The agenda

Gym - 3x a week. Cardio + weight. maybe try the pool (Why is it green?)
Skiing - Midweek @ Hunter at least once in two weeks during Feb & March
Golf - driving range, college team. (I'm a varsity athlete, bitch)
Learn guitar
Motor cycle license
Thesis research - This seems like it should be #1
Museums & Concerts

Transitioning to full time employment

2006-12-21T01:06:00.000-05:00

The transition from education to employment is generally structured in the following stages:

1. Convince yourself that the job you got is as good as any job you could've
2. Realize that the time you spent doing #1 has been wasted as any job is better then the one you got. Become frustrated and angry.
3. Attempt returning to the university. Perhaps a degree in Financial Engineering will make your life more meaningful?
4. Once again, previous statement turns our to be fallacious. Depression ensues.
5. Accepting your place in life you decide to pick up a painstakingly mundane hobby: golf, knitting, watching baseball.

Interestingly enough, people dealing with death and dying go through very similar stages.

Interview Questions I've been asked

2006-12-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

Algorithms: if you can't figure out some way to solve these problems you are officially a retard. Hang in there, sunshine !

Given two nodes in a tree, give an algorithm for finding the closest common ancestor
Given a linked list (pointer to the head) figure out if you have a loop ( efficient solution)
Given a list of number and a number m, find two numbers in the list that add up to m.
Given a set of strings design an efficient way of storing the strings which would optimize retrieving a given string along with all of its anagrams.
Calculate the amount of wood a woodchuck would chuck, if it chooses to chuck wood

Here's a list of interview questions that test "soft skills", the expected answer and the reason why a human being should never ask another human being that question.

Fit Questions

You're a team manager, and you have a member sub par performing member. What do you do ?
Correct Answer: People are the greatest asset available to (the firm). Sub par performance is an indication that a person is misplaced. Finding a better suited task for the underachiever would likely increase performance.
Reason this should never be asked: People who perform poorly should be destroyed.Most tasks facing people in the work place are so simple that poor performance is an indicator of genetic deficiency. People who perform so poorly that it is noticeable are polluting the gene pool.
Your manager is about to present (on-stage), but he's presenting something that you just found out is wrong. Do you A) let him present and look like an ass 2) disturb him in the middle of the thing to point out the correct information?
Answer: The answer to this question is contextually dependent. If the crowd that your boss is presenting to is going to notice the flaws in your information or the flaw in information is significant and the crowd your boss is presenting too is able to cook him for it, then a slight interruption is feasible
Answer: Fuck him. Let the bastard cook. You'll take his job sooner that way.
Answer: Interns should only speak when spoken too.
Reason This Should Never Be Asked: Nobody will ever care. Everybody knows people do not pay attention at meetings or conferences and only go to these things to hear themselves speak. Since your boss is the one giving a speech, nobody will be paying attention, let alone concentrating on the validity of details.
What is your biggest weakness?
Answer: Any positive trait that you can pretend to be upset by.
Reason why this shouldn't be asked: Next time I am buying something expensive that I don't know much about, I will ask the the salesperson to give me the reasons not to buy it.

Everything you might be asked on a Tech interview

2006-12-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

Here is everything you might be asked on an interview.
I think this was taken from a Wiki at an ex-job.

Do not flip out if this is a long list.
1. if you're interviewing for the financial industry, you're going to be asked a mediocre subset of this.
2. if you're interviewing for the high-tech sector, you shouldn't have convinced yourself you can get a job without knowing (most of) the material below, so it's a little late to 'flip' out

See the awsome Google document here http://docs.google.com/View?docid=dfzxzm4p_47hf2rq5